wow dime and sasha..you ladies have overcome alot and still continue to smile.
power to you.
nothing like a strong black woman
Full Version: Random Thoughts
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| QUOTE (770 @ Mar 22 2006, 01:36 PM) | ||||
* Cyber hug* I'm glad you did that for yourself and your well being (the therapy) as well as for your career. You should be proud of yourself. Inner peace will come -- I feel like I'm finally getting to a place where I don't need to self-medicate and can just love my chronic for the sake of loving my chronic...  |
thanks chica...yeah therapy was imperative 4 me...damn i cant wait til i get 2 that place that i just love it just 2 love it...sometimes i need it
...but its all good and thanks sweet g
...my motto: laughter is the best medicine..i always wear a smile, always
| QUOTE (770 @ Mar 22 2006, 01:36 PM) |
| love my chronic for the sake of loving my chronic... |
I met Joan Rivers today! I was waay more excited than I thought I'd be, for one thing I didn't think I'd be meeting her anytime soon, maybe that's where all of the excitement came from. She was very nice and funny as hell, she was crackin' herself up! She joked about having 119 plastic surgeries 
...for a minute I believed her til she said "Oh c'mon not that many!" Shol' coulda fooled me! 
Another cool azz experience!
...for a minute I believed her til she said "Oh c'mon not that many!" Shol' coulda fooled me! Another cool azz experience!
| QUOTE (770 @ Mar 22 2006, 12:29 PM) |
| To the folks with the abusive parents -- what is your relationship like with your parents now that you are adults? And do you think you've healed since? How do you reconcile with your past? |
My relationship with my parents is strong. I have resolved the issues from my past by being spirtual, and reading self help books.
I understand what I went through and why I went through it.
damn, how can I explain this?
When I was a child, growing up in da Bush, my dad was a hustla - literally. The man knew EVERYBODY. Of course, that was a bad thing for me cuz I couldn't do shit and get away with it (around the way, at least). You know the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" Well, the whole damn village raised me and didn't hestitate to beat my ass!!!
If a neighbor saw me do wrong in the street and beat my ass, picture me telling my parents that they did it. My parents beat my ass for doing wrong and the neighbor beat my ass again for telling on them!!! Child, even the principal of my school from nursery to the 5th grade beat our assess (damn West Indians!).
I guess you can say that I was raised on getting my ass beat - somehow, someway! However, I never got slapped in my face (well once by my dad but I truly deserved it). That was total disrespect in the eyes of those who raised me. I only got whelps when I was 4 and living in Barbados (used to get beat with the rope that had the pieces sticking out), but even then it was on my hand.
We were always told why we got cut tail, and if we weren't told it was only because we already knew and it was too much for the parents to talk about. At the same time, my parents always wanted me to tell the the truth. The truth was the only thing that saved me in my childhood. It didn't save me from an ass whippin but it did save me from the degree of ass whipping that I got. My dad used to say to me, "even though you told me the truth, I still gotta punish you...just like God would, except God doesn't say anything. you just get it so that you learn the lesson." That's why I never called it abuse.
All the things that my dad did to my mom (now THAT was abuse) and me (emotional abuse was crazy) can be put to the side today. We're talking physical here. When I was raising my little sis, I started off beating her ass but when I realized that it wasn't working, I used the Nanny 911 tactics (with a ghetto flava) and that worked too.
dime and others, it's not to say that you're wrong or anything. I'm not saying your right either. Like you say, "to each his (or her) own." I don't have to beat any of my nieces, nephew (although I did almost choke the shit out of him once and he doesn't fuck with me anymore ), or godchildren. I don't have to because I talk to them like they want to be spoken to - with honesty and love. I speak to them like their adults so that they know the difference between being a child and being a grown up. But they know that if they fuck with me the wrong way, I got the cut for dem rass and I won't hesitate to use it!
It's all about balance.
When I was a child, growing up in da Bush, my dad was a hustla - literally. The man knew EVERYBODY. Of course, that was a bad thing for me cuz I couldn't do shit and get away with it (around the way, at least). You know the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" Well, the whole damn village raised me and didn't hestitate to beat my ass!!!
If a neighbor saw me do wrong in the street and beat my ass, picture me telling my parents that they did it. My parents beat my ass for doing wrong and the neighbor beat my ass again for telling on them!!! Child, even the principal of my school from nursery to the 5th grade beat our assess (damn West Indians!).
I guess you can say that I was raised on getting my ass beat - somehow, someway! However, I never got slapped in my face (well once by my dad but I truly deserved it). That was total disrespect in the eyes of those who raised me. I only got whelps when I was 4 and living in Barbados (used to get beat with the rope that had the pieces sticking out), but even then it was on my hand.
We were always told why we got cut tail, and if we weren't told it was only because we already knew and it was too much for the parents to talk about. At the same time, my parents always wanted me to tell the the truth. The truth was the only thing that saved me in my childhood. It didn't save me from an ass whippin but it did save me from the degree of ass whipping that I got. My dad used to say to me, "even though you told me the truth, I still gotta punish you...just like God would, except God doesn't say anything. you just get it so that you learn the lesson." That's why I never called it abuse.
All the things that my dad did to my mom (now THAT was abuse) and me (emotional abuse was crazy) can be put to the side today. We're talking physical here. When I was raising my little sis, I started off beating her ass but when I realized that it wasn't working, I used the Nanny 911 tactics (with a ghetto flava) and that worked too.
dime and others, it's not to say that you're wrong or anything. I'm not saying your right either. Like you say, "to each his (or her) own." I don't have to beat any of my nieces, nephew (although I did almost choke the shit out of him once and he doesn't fuck with me anymore
), or godchildren. I don't have to because I talk to them like they want to be spoken to - with honesty and love. I speak to them like their adults so that they know the difference between being a child and being a grown up. But they know that if they fuck with me the wrong way, I got the cut for dem rass and I won't hesitate to use it! It's all about balance.
| QUOTE (770 @ Mar 22 2006, 12:29 PM) |
| To the folks with the abusive parents -- what is your relationship like with your parents now that you are adults? And do you think you've healed since? How do you reconcile with your past? |
relationship with my parents is very surface/informational. any conversation about feelings/emotions inevitably leads back to the past so we just gloss over it like it doesn't exist. sometimes they feel guilty, especially my father, and they do or buy me outrageous shit to make it up for it. "i'm sorry" would mean a lot more.
have i healed? no.
i don't reconcile with it. i try not to think about it. when i do, i go to sleep, get drunk or re-involve myself with people who otherwise fuel my momentary self-destructive tendencies. sometimes all three.
do i forgive him? no.
did he ever tell me why? no.
do i understand the reasoning? no.
one time during some late night conversation, i told him that he was not very nice to me growing up and his response was "you weren't very nice to me either." i figured we weren't getting anywhere beyond that so i switched topics.
| QUOTE (BKLYNScribe @ Mar 22 2006, 02:22 PM) | ||
relationship with my parents is very surface/informational. any conversation about feelings/emotions inevitably leads back to the past so we just gloss over it like it doesn't exist. sometimes they feel guilty, especially my father, and they do or buy me outrageous shit to make it up for it. "i'm sorry" would mean a lot more. have i healed? no. i don't reconcile with it. i try not to think about it. when i do, i go to sleep, get drunk or re-involve myself with people who otherwise fuel my momentary self-destructive tendencies. sometimes all three. do i forgive him? no. did he ever tell me why? no. do i understand the reasoning? no. one time during some late night conversation, i told him that he was not very nice to me growing up and his response was "you weren't very nice to me either." i figured we weren't getting anywhere beyond that so i switched topics. |
that sounds like the relationship my cousin and my uncle have. she tries to ignore but she's affected by it. it's a shame.
Thank the Lawd I got to curse the shit out of my father before he passed. That was liberation I tell you!! Freedom!!
| QUOTE (WindyCityDiva @ Mar 22 2006, 02:05 PM) |
| I met Joan Rivers today! I was waay more excited than I thought I'd be, for one thing I didn't think I'd be meeting her anytime soon, maybe that's where all of the excitement came from. She was very nice and funny as hell, she was crackin' herself up! She joked about having 119 plastic surgeries ...for a minute I believed her til she said "Oh c'mon not that many!" Shol' coulda fooled me! Another cool azz experience! |
She seems funny!! lol@ her Arby's commericals!!
I can see why Jhonny C scooped her up for awhile!!
| QUOTE (BKLYNScribe @ Mar 22 2006, 02:22 PM) | ||
relationship with my parents is very surface/informational. any conversation about feelings/emotions inevitably leads back to the past so we just gloss over it like it doesn't exist. sometimes they feel guilty, especially my father, and they do or buy me outrageous shit to make it up for it. "i'm sorry" would mean a lot more. have i healed? no. i don't reconcile with it. i try not to think about it. when i do, i go to sleep, get drunk or re-involve myself with people who otherwise fuel my momentary self-destructive tendencies. sometimes all three. do i forgive him? no. did he ever tell me why? no. do i understand the reasoning? no. one time during some late night conversation, i told him that he was not very nice to me growing up and his response was "you weren't very nice to me either." i figured we weren't getting anywhere beyond that so i switched topics. |
*cyber hugs*
| QUOTE (770 @ Mar 22 2006, 12:29 PM) |
| To the folks with the abusive parents -- what is your relationship like with your parents now that you are adults? And do you think you've healed since? How do you reconcile with your past? |
Does emotional/verbal abuse count? My father is a TRUE HELL RAISER!! And, he's only like this with his kids. He believes that he is a "good father" and that this is "effective parenting"... bullshit. I believe that MANY of my self-esteem issues/insecurities stem from things that my father has said to me or about me. Sometimes, his tirades were so painful and raw that I would wish, pray, hope, plead that he would just hit me and get that shit over with. His words were worse than a belt to me. I think that I could've sustained the beatings better.
**additional thoughts**
My mom and I have never had a single issue. She's my best friend. But, I can't lie, I do hold some resentment towards her for not standing up for me in some of the battles with my Daddy. Now that I'm out on my own, my relationship with my dad has never been better, but we still have our challenges. He tries to call me up and tell me how I'm fucking up, etc., but, I just say "Dad, I have to go. Thanks for your concern." Hang up and K.I.M.
| QUOTE (lawcutie @ Mar 22 2006, 02:35 PM) | ||
Does emotional/verbal abuse count? My father is a TRUE HELL RAISER!! And, he's only like this with his kids. He believes that he is a "good father" and that this is "effective parenting"... bullshit. I believe that MANY of my self-esteem issues/insecurities stem from things that my father has said to me or about me. Sometimes, his tirades were so painful and raw that I would wish, pray, hope, plead that he would just hit me and get that shit over with. His words were worse than a belt to me. I think that I could've sustained the beatings better. |
emotional abuse is the worst, isn't it?
*cyberhugs*
mccalls we have a lot in common *cyber hugs* sweetie..i took on the role of being my father's wife, after my mom left... in every sick way imaginable..the things parents can do... smh
2 answer a question that was asked, isnt emotional abuse the worse? the thing with emotional abuse is u cant shut ur mind off..the phsical pain goes away, the mental takes a lot longer...sexual abuse is the worse IMO because i find that it is harder 4 ppl 2 get past that than any other form of abuse...
thank u all 4 sharing such personal stories, i know it isnt easy..*cyber hugs* again...
smh2 answer a question that was asked, isnt emotional abuse the worse? the thing with emotional abuse is u cant shut ur mind off..the phsical pain goes away, the mental takes a lot longer...sexual abuse is the worse IMO because i find that it is harder 4 ppl 2 get past that than any other form of abuse...
thank u all 4 sharing such personal stories, i know it isnt easy..*cyber hugs* again...
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 02:40 PM) | ||
hey now.... It was not like that... dude was choking me... I was blacking out... I used all my strength and kicked his ass in the chest as I was falling down... there was this knife on the table and I grabbed it... then the thought of prison flashed in my head and I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour... went to work like 3 hours early... crying and shaking the whole time... took me 5 hours to calm the fuck down. and I was 20 years old when this happenend and not some wild child... dude was mad at me cause I told him I wish I would have stayed in Seattle cause.... actually living with dude and talking to dude on birthdays and holidays are two different things and once I got to know him I didn't like him. little background. I was a B+ student worked since age 14. never in trouble and at that time I was real quiet and shy. parents were wild weed heads clubbing and fighting folks all the time... acting like they were still single without a family. putting parties and friends ahead of raising the kids. I went to court when I was 15 and fired my parents. they lost their parental rights and I was free... my dad tried to get back and made me feel guilty and said I should move with him to Los Angeles so I could save money and finish college here. I was kinda lonely without a family and went along cause I really wanted to have a normal relationship with my father. he used to be my hero. so I went... bad mistake dude doesn't work and lived in a bachelor apartment (hotel room type place.... no kitchen) and women paid all his bills... he wanted me to pay his bills cause I had a job lined up when I got here. I ended up dropping out of school for good and paying my daddy's bills... it all went down hill from there |
sorry to hear that girlie...i was just joking though, but do apologize...i know when i tell ppl i fought my dad, they automatically assume that i was just some terror problem child....they never assume that there was a reason behind it.....
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 02:46 PM) |
| mccalls we have a lot in common *cyber hugs* sweetie..i took on the role of being my father's wife, after my mom left... in every sick way imaginable..the things parents can do... smh 2 answer a question that was asked, isnt emotional abuse the worse? the thing with emotional abuse is u cant shut ur mind off..the phsical pain goes away, the mental takes a lot longer...sexual abuse is the worse IMO because i find that it is harder 4 ppl 2 get past that than any other form of abuse... thank u all 4 sharing such personal stories, i know it isnt easy..*cyber hugs* again... |
while reading everyone else's story it makes me realize that for everything you think is bad, there's always someone else who has it worse....glad you ladies are bouncing back....
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 02:46 PM) |
| mccalls we have a lot in common *cyber hugs* sweetie..i took on the role of being my father's wife, after my mom left... in every sick way imaginable..the things parents can do... smh 2 answer a question that was asked, isnt emotional abuse the worse? the thing with emotional abuse is u cant shut ur mind off..the phsical pain goes away, the mental takes a lot longer...sexual abuse is the worse IMO because i find that it is harder 4 ppl 2 get past that than any other form of abuse... thank u all 4 sharing such personal stories, i know it isnt easy..*cyber hugs* again... |
emotional/sexual abuse is truly the bottom of the barrel, but when you truly get over it (or at least 98% of it), it's the best feeling in the world.
dime, you my cyberdawg for life. some things you have to keep and some things you just have to let go. that's what prayer is about (finding the strength in the Lord so that you have the strength to let go, or keep what you need to so that you can be stronger)
*cyberhugs*
| QUOTE (SeeLaH @ Mar 22 2006, 02:58 PM) | ||
emotional/sexual abuse is truly the bottom of the barrel, but when you truly get over it (or at least 98% of it), it's the best feeling in the world. dime, you my cyberdawg for life. some things you have to keep and some things you just have to let go. that's what prayer is about (finding the strength in the Lord so that you have the strength to let go, or keep what you need to so that you can be stronger) *cyberhugs* |
thanks chica!
...i just wish i'd found the lord sooner...i wouldve made a lot less stupid mistakes...
| QUOTE (BKLYNScribe @ Mar 22 2006, 02:22 PM) |
| one time during some late night conversation, i told him that he was not very nice to me growing up and his response was "you weren't very nice to me either." i figured we weren't getting anywhere beyond that so i switched topics. |
Scribe -- my father said the same exact words to me. it is very very very sad when a grown man thinks this way.
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 03:01 PM) | ||||
thanks chica! ...i just wish i'd found the lord sooner...i wouldve made a lot less stupid mistakes... |
nah, you would have still made the same stupid mistakes....
but you would have forgiven yourself a lot sooner.
(don't you wish there was a smilie for hugs?)
| QUOTE (SeeLaH @ Mar 22 2006, 03:12 PM) | ||||||
nah, you would have still made the same stupid mistakes.... but you would have forgiven yourself a lot sooner. (don't you wish there was a smilie for hugs?) |
your the best see!
thanks again...and yeah ur prob right about that...
I just had Popeye's Chicken for lunch.
I don't feel well.
I don't feel well.
Putting all my meaness and jokes aside, I really really got mad love for my sisters on the cru.
Aint nothing like the strength of a woman.
D
Aint nothing like the strength of a woman.
D
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 03:14 PM) | ||||||||
your the best see! thanks again...and yeah ur prob right about that... |
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_18_103.gif
trying to send you ladies a nice hug and love...hope it works!
| QUOTE (RoyaleWithCheese @ Mar 22 2006, 03:15 PM) |
| I just had Popeye's Chicken for lunch. I don't feel well. |
lol...i had beef nachos for lunch...and now i'm sleepy
| QUOTE (Sweet G @ Mar 22 2006, 03:20 PM) | ||||||||||
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_18_103.gif trying to send you ladies a nice hug and love...hope it works! |
thanks sweet g
...feel like ya need one 2, so right backatchya
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 03:23 PM) | ||
shit's fucked up how they do we... like we asked to be here. I tell you...every insecure thought I ever had derived from something negative my mom and dad said. life is hard enough without all that mess. glad you got it together.. sasha... I knew you were playing... stay strongBut all this talk got me to thinking.... I'm still in my 20's and still don't feel ready to have a family.... Something in me is still stuck at 15. I still make silly mistakes and I am just as immature ask the next chick when it comes to men.... do you think people should wait until they are in their 30's to start a family? you know wait until they got all that mess out they systems? cause maybe having kids in your twenties or right after college is too soon. you are just starting to know yourself and take on the responsibilities of the world... why have kids and complicate their lives too?  |
it depends on how fast u work thru ur issues...i think my son saved my life...and im actually grateful 4 the things i been thru, because my eyes r opened 2 all the dangers that a child can encounter...as for getting married, its hard when u have past issues...but if u get with someone patient and understanding it is wonderful!...
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 03:23 PM) | ||
shit's fucked up how they do we... like we asked to be here. I tell you...every insecure thought I ever had derived from something negative my mom and dad said. life is hard enough without all that mess. glad you got it together.. sasha... I knew you were playing... stay strongBut all this talk got me to thinking.... I'm still in my 20's and still don't feel ready to have a family.... Something in me is still stuck at 15. I still make silly mistakes and I am just as immature ask the next chick when it comes to men.... do you think people should wait until they are in their 30's to start a family? you know wait until they got all that mess out they systems? cause maybe having kids in your twenties or right after college is too soon. you are just starting to know yourself and take on the responsibilities of the world... why have kids and complicate their lives too? |
interesting you say that cuz i tell my friends that all the time....folks always ask me when i'm gonna start popping out kids and i to be honest, i just don't feel ready...when they ask me that and i say, "chile, i'm too young!" then tell them i'm 27 they look at me like
but i still feel like i just got out of h.s....10 yrs sounds like a long time, but i honestly don't see it happening anytime soon....when i was w/ my ex i thought i was ready....now that i'm single again, i realize how happy i am that i didn't! shit i'm still bitching at the cats for waking me up in the morning....i know i'm nowhere near ready for another person to be running around with expectations from me....i don't feel like it's because of any issues i have though....i honestly just am not ready for the responsibility...
Taking a breath and her it goes
My mom had 2 kids before she married my dad. When she came to America she was pregnant with me ( I was the second child for my parents). She was forced to bring my sister (my dads first born) to America. Her first 2 children had great homes in Barbados, so she left them there. Eventually my mom and dad had 2 more children.
When my parents saved enough to buy a home and bring my 2 older siblings to America, my life was turned upside down. My sister (my dad's first child) and I went from never getting a beating, to getting a beating every night. Eventually my oldest sister (my mom's 1st daughter) called BCW, and they removed me and my 2 older sisters from the home. My Brother (who is the oldest) was given custody of me and my sister (my dad's first child). My eldest sister went to live with her dad.
Here is where it gets crazy....my brother who promised to care for my sister and I verbally, physically, mentally and sexually abused us, for 5 years.
I was pistal whipped, hid many blackened eyes, impregnated.
Turns out the brother who was supposed to be protecting me from my mother, hated my mother soo much he wanted to ruin her life, as well as all of her children from her marriage with my dad.
I have barely grazed the subject
My mom had 2 kids before she married my dad. When she came to America she was pregnant with me ( I was the second child for my parents). She was forced to bring my sister (my dads first born) to America. Her first 2 children had great homes in Barbados, so she left them there. Eventually my mom and dad had 2 more children.
When my parents saved enough to buy a home and bring my 2 older siblings to America, my life was turned upside down. My sister (my dad's first child) and I went from never getting a beating, to getting a beating every night. Eventually my oldest sister (my mom's 1st daughter) called BCW, and they removed me and my 2 older sisters from the home. My Brother (who is the oldest) was given custody of me and my sister (my dad's first child). My eldest sister went to live with her dad.
Here is where it gets crazy....my brother who promised to care for my sister and I verbally, physically, mentally and sexually abused us, for 5 years.
I was pistal whipped, hid many blackened eyes, impregnated.
Turns out the brother who was supposed to be protecting me from my mother, hated my mother soo much he wanted to ruin her life, as well as all of her children from her marriage with my dad.
I have barely grazed the subject
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 02:46 PM) |
| 2 answer a question that was asked, isnt emotional abuse the worse? the thing with emotional abuse is u cant shut ur mind off..the phsical pain goes away, the mental takes a lot longer...sexual abuse is the worse IMO because i find that it is harder 4 ppl 2 get past that than any other form of abuse... |
#1 - Thanks for the cyberhug SeeLah!! I felt it...
#2 - Dime, that's exactly what I mean. I'm not saying that emotional/verbal abuse is worse than physical for everyone. I'm just saying that listening to someone (that you look up to and think the world of) tell you what a loser you are gets to you... and you kinda don't ever forget it. I've forgiven my father for most of what he's done (not all... I'm a work in progress
), and that's due to my faith in the Lord who says that we should all have a forgiving spirit. But, I was an A student... went to some of the best schools... went to church and was active in the congregation even as a small child... NEVER got into trouble a day in my life... NEVER talked back to ANY adult... NEVER fought with my brother and sister... don't know why. Being bad takes too much energy, I guess. But, I still never felt like he appreciated me - especially when he took so much time to tell me about everything that I was doing wrong. I went to see a therapist after a bad breakup made me lose focus (I've always been VERY focused, so that was something I wanted to correct right away) and everytime I tried to talk about my relationship with my S.O., my therapist kept asking me about my dad. I'm thinking "Why is this bitch always asking me about my Daddy? I don't want to talk about that nigga!" But, I realized that he was the root of the problem. Until then, I had thought that the way my dad treated me was "normal"... and that is some sick shit. Nothing about that relationship is normal. And my therapist picked right up on that! Amazing what a trained professional can see...I commend all of you women for overcoming the things you have. And, thanks for letting me talk about this. I NEVER talk about this (save for those few sessions with that wise therapist...).
| QUOTE (GoodieGoddess @ Mar 22 2006, 03:39 PM) |
| Taking a breath and her it goes My mom had 2 kids before she married my dad. When she came to America she was pregnant with me ( I was the second child for my parents). She was forced to bring my sister (my dads first born) to America. Her first 2 children had great homes in Barbados, so she left them there. Eventually my mom and dad had 2 more children. When my parents saved enough to buy a home and bring my 2 older siblings to America, my life was turned upside down. My sister (my dad's first child) and I went from never getting a beating, to getting a beating every night. Eventually my oldest sister (my mom's 1st daughter) called BCW, and they removed me and my 2 older sisters from the home. My Brother (who is the oldest) was given custody of me and my sister (my dad's first child). My eldest sister went to live with her dad. Here is where it gets crazy....my brother who promised to care for my sister and I verbally, physically, mentally and sexually abused us, for 5 years. I was pistal whipped, hid many blackened eyes, impregnated. Turns out the brother who was supposed to be protecting me from my mother, hated my mother soo much he wanted to ruin her life, as well as all of her children from her marriage with my dad. I have barely grazed the subject |
*cyber hugs* i know that was not easy....uve come a very long way girl!..theres so much good in store 4 u...
| QUOTE (lawcutie @ Mar 22 2006, 03:43 PM) | ||
#1 - Thanks for the cyberhug SeeLah!! I felt it... #2 - Dime, that's exactly what I mean. I'm not saying that emotional/verbal abuse is worse than physical for everyone. I'm just saying that listening to someone (that you look up to and think the world of) tell you what a loser you are gets to you... and you kinda don't ever forget it. I've forgiven my father for most of what he's done (not all... I'm a work in progress ), and that's due to my faith in the Lord who says that we should all have a forgiving spirit. But, I was an A student... went to some of the best schools... went to church and was active in the congregation even as a small child... NEVER got into trouble a day in my life... NEVER talked back to ANY adult... NEVER fought with my brother and sister... don't know why. Being bad takes too much energy, I guess. But, I still never felt like he appreciated me - especially when he took so much time to tell me about everything that I was doing wrong. I went to see a therapist after a bad breakup made me lose focus (I've always been VERY focused, so that was something I wanted to correct right away) and everytime I tried to talk about my relationship with my S.O., my therapist kept asking me about my dad. I'm thinking "Why is this bitch always asking me about my Daddy? I don't want to talk about that nigga!" But, I realized that he was the root of the problem. Until then, I had thought that the way my dad treated me was "normal"... and that is some sick shit. Nothing about that relationship is normal. And my therapist picked right up on that! Amazing what a trained professional can see...I commend all of you women for overcoming the things you have. And, thanks for letting me talk about this. I NEVER talk about this (save for those few sessions with that wise therapist...). |
And my therapist picked right up on that! Amazing what a trained professional can see...
and trust...nothing makes us feel better than helpin ppl realize where the issue stems from so they can work on their healing...that statement really put a on my face...
| QUOTE (dimendaruff @ Mar 22 2006, 03:52 PM) | ||
*cyber hugs* i know that was not easy....uve come a very long way girl!..theres so much good in store 4 u... |
Thank You Dimes.
I know what is in store for me.
All of you ladies who have had to overcome bad parenting, I am so proud of you, and happy for you because the ability to talk about it means healing is almost at 100% (if it can get to 100%)
I have not gotten to read everything, because I am at work and they actually want me to work
Mccall -- I have a 9 year old child. I am a better parent as a result of my past.
Any other parents feel this way?
Having kids gives you a second chance at life or at least a second chance at many things. Not saying try and live through their lives, but everywhere you have had to bump your head you make sure they don't and everything you found out to be the absolute truth, you try and make sure that is what they know.
And personally, every place that I didn't go while growing up (like Florida-luv it)
I take him.
So ladies take your time. You only get one shot so be ready to do the best job you can, because if you do it right you will see it is alot of work. (But nothing a strong woman can't handle )
Having kids gives you a second chance at life or at least a second chance at many things. Not saying try and live through their lives, but everywhere you have had to bump your head you make sure they don't and everything you found out to be the absolute truth, you try and make sure that is what they know.
And personally, every place that I didn't go while growing up (like Florida-luv it)
I take him.
So ladies take your time. You only get one shot so be ready to do the best job you can, because if you do it right you will see it is alot of work. (But nothing a strong woman can't handle
)
| QUOTE (GoodieGoddess @ Mar 22 2006, 12:39 PM) |
| Taking a breath and her it goes My mom had 2 kids before she married my dad. When she came to America she was pregnant with me ( I was the second child for my parents). She was forced to bring my sister (my dads first born) to America. Her first 2 children had great homes in Barbados, so she left them there. Eventually my mom and dad had 2 more children. When my parents saved enough to buy a home and bring my 2 older siblings to America, my life was turned upside down. My sister (my dad's first child) and I went from never getting a beating, to getting a beating every night. Eventually my oldest sister (my mom's 1st daughter) called BCW, and they removed me and my 2 older sisters from the home. My Brother (who is the oldest) was given custody of me and my sister (my dad's first child). My eldest sister went to live with her dad. Here is where it gets crazy....my brother who promised to care for my sister and I verbally, physically, mentally and sexually abused us, for 5 years. I was pistal whipped, hid many blackened eyes, impregnated. Turns out the brother who was supposed to be protecting me from my mother, hated my mother soo much he wanted to ruin her life, as well as all of her children from her marriage with my dad. I have barely grazed the subject |
so sorry to hear that.... I was subjected to something similar but no older bro... moms new husband and then one of her boyfriends.... before I got away.
what is it about people and abusing kids? why do they have to steal our joy and hope for living?
| QUOTE (GoodieGoddess @ Mar 22 2006, 12:56 PM) |
| Mccall -- I have a 9 year old child. I am a better parent as a result of my past. |
okay... glad to hear it... I always thought I would be a better parent too because of what I went through.... but I am so afraid of my anger and lack of self control that I don't wanna risk it just yet.
| QUOTE (GoodieGoddess @ Mar 22 2006, 03:39 PM) |
| Taking a breath and her it goes My mom had 2 kids before she married my dad. When she came to America she was pregnant with me ( I was the second child for my parents). She was forced to bring my sister (my dads first born) to America. Her first 2 children had great homes in Barbados, so she left them there. Eventually my mom and dad had 2 more children. When my parents saved enough to buy a home and bring my 2 older siblings to America, my life was turned upside down. My sister (my dad's first child) and I went from never getting a beating, to getting a beating every night. Eventually my oldest sister (my mom's 1st daughter) called BCW, and they removed me and my 2 older sisters from the home. My Brother (who is the oldest) was given custody of me and my sister (my dad's first child). My eldest sister went to live with her dad. Here is where it gets crazy....my brother who promised to care for my sister and I verbally, physically, mentally and sexually abused us, for 5 years. I was pistal whipped, hid many blackened eyes, impregnated. Turns out the brother who was supposed to be protecting me from my mother, hated my mother soo much he wanted to ruin her life, as well as all of her children from her marriage with my dad. I have barely grazed the subject |
damn Goodie...you had it bad. Incest is a tough pill to swallow and God Bless you for still being the woman that you are in spite of that.
lawcutie...I know exactly what you mean because my dad would tell other people that I was the greatest kid in the world but when I was alone with him, I was the ugliest, dumbest, most fucked up kid on the planet. The man might as well have spit in my face (it didn't help that he would also tell me that he wanted me to be a boy and call me Andy).
The only way to get over any of this abuse would be to flip it and make it empower you instead of bringing you down. I went through years of letting the abuse fuck with me (Goodie, I'm not going to get into the sexual abuse that I went through. it wasn't as bad as your abuse but it was a doozy) and living my life in fear of this abuse. Then when I realized that there is a bit of God inside of me and that loves me, regardless of my faults (especially in spite of the faults of others), I began to realize the positive that came out of these bad experiences (ie: if my father didn't treat me the way he did, I wouldn't have stayed a virgin for as long as I did. if I didn't go through what I went through, would I STILL BE STANDING AND STILL BE ABLE TO LOVE MYSELF AND OTHERS the way I do now? Would I be this strong person that I am? Would I have this love and appreciation for God and myself that I have now?)
You can't let these things take away from you. They are a part of you no matter what and it's up to YOU to let it make you or break you.
Peace be unto all of my strong black sisters on the crusade!!! Love and Hope always - even when I don't show it.
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 03:59 PM) | ||
so sorry to hear that.... I was subjected to something similar but no older bro... moms new husband and then one of her boyfriends.... before I got away. what is it about people and abusing kids? why do they have to steal our joy and hope for living? |
Girl I wish I could tell you that he was the only one to abuse me like that.
Age 4 ---baby sitter
Age 6 --- older cousin
Then that nigga.
I have never felt like a virgin
and that is the saddest thing for me
| QUOTE (SashaThumper @ Mar 22 2006, 12:33 PM) |
| i don't feel like it's because of any issues i have though....i honestly just am not ready for the responsibility... |
me either.... I know I'm mean and selfish.... I don't want to have to grow up till I am ready. already missed out on a childhood.
shit... I never double dutched/played chess/nor card games... moved around too much to make friends. hardly trust anybody... just can't imagine having to be responsible for another person.
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 04:07 PM) | ||
me either.... I know I'm mean and selfish.... I don't want to have to grow up till I am ready. already missed out on a childhood. shit... I never double dutched/played chess/nor card games... moved around too much to make friends. hardly trust anybody... just can't imagine having to be responsible for another person. |
OMG McCalls---You lived my childhood (if it could be called that)
My son saved me. Actually his dad saved me (told me he would kill my brother before he let me continue to live like I did).
I am getting a second childhood because of my lil man. We play board games, we go skating (well he skates and I fall down) we watch cartoons, we probably won't jump double dutch, but we still have a childish blast.
| QUOTE (2 cents from the D @ Mar 22 2006, 10:58 PM) |
| Any other parents feel this way? Having kids gives you a second chance at life or at least a second chance at many things. Not saying try and live through their lives, but everywhere you have had to bump your head you make sure they don't and everything you found out to be the absolute truth, you try and make sure that is what they know. And personally, every place that I didn't go while growing up (like Florida-luv it) I take him. So ladies take your time. You only get one shot so be ready to do the best job you can, because if you do it right you will see it is alot of work. (But nothing a strong woman can't handle ) |
My two cents...
IMO there's always room for improvement. I had what I consider a fine childhood--I got to travel and experience a lot. Even though my parents got divorced (and remarried and divorced agan) me and my sisters were indulged (not too spoiled) and my dad NEVER raised a hand to me--Having children gives one the opportunity to improve what your own childhood was.
I don't know of many people who are satisified in raising their children exactly the way they were raised because times change and parents have to adapt to that. Good strong morals are constant however. I see it as an opportunity to shape and guide a well adjusted individual--
I do see the type of parent that over does it by trying to live and be fulfilled through their kids and that is sad. I remember when Barney was the rage and my cousin bough her 3 year old daughter everything Barney before the kid even got a good grade or won a spelling bee or anything--(including those tacky little electric cars) she spent tousands of dollars on that crap and I'm sure that her daughter didn't even have a savings account or college fund.
-- There's nothing wrong with being pro-active with children...IMO
| QUOTE (GoodieGoddess @ Mar 22 2006, 04:10 PM) | ||||
OMG McCalls---You lived my childhood (if it could be called that) My son saved me. Actually his dad saved me (told me he would kill my brother before he let me continue to live like I did). I am getting a second childhood because of my lil man. We play board games, we go skating (well he skates and I fall down) we watch cartoons, we probably won't jump double dutch, but we still have a childish blast. |
co-sign...its especially rewarding 2 know that we are NOTHING like our abusers...2 know that our children will NEVER have 2 endure the things we did...if i didnt have my son i would have that much less 2 live 4 and get better 4...so i thank God for him blessing me with my lil munchkin...
Man pple can be really big pieces of shit.
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 04:19 PM) | ||||
my history is something like this... I'm leaving out the real bad stuff. age 5 through 9 step dad and mom verbally abused and beat the shit out of me all the damn time... onetime my step dad hit me in the face with a rope and pulled my lip half way off... my nose is still fucked up... cut never healed right... doctors still trying to correct that shit... cause of course they never took me to the doctor when it happened.... and oh... I feel ya on the virgin thing age 5 female cousin age 7 female babysitter age 7 step dad's nephew age 10 -12 moved in with dad... step brother thought I was cute and him and his 4 cousins decided to play this game called rape everytime dad left. age 12 gang raped 3 dudes age 12 mom's boyfriend kept fucking with me in my sleep... thank the lord I'm a light sleeper... he was too embarrassed to continue while I was awake... always made some excuse about why he was in my room and left. age 14 gang raped at gun point... age 15 raped by dude at school age 15 got fed the fuck up... finally told mom... bitch called me a liar and wouldn't do shit about it.... went to court and fired they asses. all this happened mostly cause no one was paying attention and because they kept leaving me with people while they were in pursuit of their happiness. |
you got me crying over here...
and I thought the molestation by my teacher (and maybe my dad) and almost getting raped 3 times was bad enough...
now it's time to pay attention to you and follow the pursuit of your own happiness.
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 04:19 PM) | ||||
my history is something like this... I'm leaving out the real bad stuff. age 5 through 9 step dad and mom verbally abused and beat the shit out of me all the damn time... onetime my step dad hit me in the face with a rope and pulled my lip half way off... my nose is still fucked up... cut never healed right... doctors still trying to correct that shit... cause of course they never took me to the doctor when it happened.... and oh... I feel ya on the virgin thing age 5 female cousin age 7 female babysitter age 7 step dad's nephew age 10 -12 moved in with dad... step brother thought I was cute and him and his 4 cousins decided to play this game called rape everytime dad left. age 12 gang raped 3 dudes age 12 mom's boyfriend kept fucking with me in my sleep... thank the lord I'm a light sleeper... he was too embarrassed to continue while I was awake... always made some excuse about why he was in my room and left. age 14 gang raped at gun point... age 15 raped by dude at school age 15 got fed the fuck up... finally told mom... bitch called me a liar and wouldn't do shit about it.... went to court and fired they asses. all this happened mostly cause no one was paying attention and because they kept leaving me with people while they were in pursuit of their happiness. |
*cyber hugs*....im glad u know it wasnt ur fault, based on ur last statement..u placed blame where the blame belongs...have u ever been in therapy?
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 04:19 PM) | ||||
my history is something like this... I'm leaving out the real bad stuff. age 5 through 9 step dad and mom verbally abused and beat the shit out of me all the damn time... onetime my step dad hit me in the face with a rope and pulled my lip half way off... my nose is still fucked up... cut never healed right... doctors still trying to correct that shit... cause of course they never took me to the doctor when it happened.... and oh... I feel ya on the virgin thing age 5 female cousin age 7 female babysitter age 7 step dad's nephew age 10 -12 moved in with dad... step brother thought I was cute and him and his 4 cousins decided to play this game called rape everytime dad left. age 12 gang raped 3 dudes age 12 mom's boyfriend kept fucking with me in my sleep... thank the lord I'm a light sleeper... he was too embarrassed to continue while I was awake... always made some excuse about why he was in my room and left. age 14 gang raped at gun point... age 15 raped by dude at school age 15 got fed the fuck up... finally told mom... bitch called me a liar and wouldn't do shit about it.... went to court and fired they asses. all this happened mostly cause no one was paying attention and because they kept leaving me with people while they were in pursuit of their happiness. |
This is very very sad. I hope you both know that none of those things were your fault -- somebody failed to protect you -- not even somebody -- Your Parents failed to protect you.
You should be applauded for your bravery in sharing and hopefully your stories will help each other and help other people who have gone through similar experiences.
Imma seriously pray hard on this tonight -- just in general for everyone to get some healing out of this. I'm working on something right now so I have just been skimming the boards today but I have to say that it's nice that despite all our differences at least now and then we can all come together and lean on one another.
| QUOTE (mccallsgirl @ Mar 22 2006, 04:19 PM) | ||||
my history is something like this... I'm leaving out the real bad stuff. age 5 through 9 step dad and mom verbally abused and beat the shit out of me all the damn time... onetime my step dad hit me in the face with a rope and pulled my lip half way off... my nose is still fucked up... cut never healed right... doctors still trying to correct that shit... cause of course they never took me to the doctor when it happened.... and oh... I feel ya on the virgin thing age 5 female cousin age 7 female babysitter age 7 step dad's nephew age 10 -12 moved in with dad... step brother thought I was cute and him and his 4 cousins decided to play this game called rape everytime dad left. age 12 gang raped 3 dudes age 12 mom's boyfriend kept fucking with me in my sleep... thank the lord I'm a light sleeper... he was too embarrassed to continue while I was awake... always made some excuse about why he was in my room and left. age 14 gang raped at gun point... age 15 raped by dude at school age 15 got fed the fuck up... finally told mom... bitch called me a liar and wouldn't do shit about it.... went to court and fired they asses. all this happened mostly cause no one was paying attention and because they kept leaving me with people while they were in pursuit of their happiness. |
They say 1 in every 4 girls will be sexually abused. I hate those numbers. I hate that you guys also have theses messed up stories, but I am so glad that I am able to talk about this at all with pple who understand.
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